I was admitted to a neuropsych unit on October 21st a little bit before midnight. It was a scary experience but I knew it was where I needed to be. With the help of my loving and always supportive husband I am posting a bit about my experience so far. I've had times of frustration, times of anger, times of clarity, and even some pretty great times of laughter. I hope that the following will answer some questions you may have.
Why am I here?
The stress, anxiety and depression I have been experiencing has come to a head. These things, complicated by the pain and fatigue of the last year and fibromyalgia became too much for me, as strong as I am, to handle. I started to feel unsafe due to thoughts of suicide and a desire to hurt myself.
What kind of help am I getting here?
Safety, first and foremost. Medication adjustment and oversight. Referrals for professional help when I am released. And reassurance by others who have experienced similar things and are continuing on with their lives.
Two questions we get asked frequently:
Do you feel that you want to hurt yourself or others?
I might still feel the desire to hurt myself but mostly I want to yell and throw things. I have anger over being here, this is because I am mad at myself for letting myself get to the point of needing to be here.
Do you see or hear things that aren't really there?
For sometime now I have been seeing cats. Before we got Popeye I used to think I saw a cat hide under the table, desk, or run under the couch. Today I thought I saw a cat but it was really just the base of a medical cart that carries the equipment for taking vital signs. Why cats? Maybe there is some kind of symbology (movie reference anyone?) there.
So, you might ask:
Why would I want to hurt myself?
I think the catalyst behind hurting myself is because I want the pain that I feel on the inside (the mental, physical, and emotional) to be recognized on the outside.
Why would I want to share this experience and my thoughts with anyone?
I want to do this, share these things with my blog readers, family and friends to let others who may be feeling similar thoughts of feelings that they are not alone. I want to show that you can be a strong woman and still struggle on your way to success. I do have special and specific goals for myself and they will be accomplished. This is just a step that I have to take and it might be the same for other people.
Do I think being admitted here affects the future?
Yes, I do think this will affect the future. But these will be positive results. It is another life experience that I can share with others. If people can't understand or at least acknowledge my time here as a positive learning experience, they are not the people I want to find myself associating with. That is my choice to not associate with those people and it's the healthy choice.
So these are just a few feelings, thoughts, and observations that I have had in the three days I have been h ere. There may be more to say before I leave, or you might here from me when I return home. Word this morning was that a discharge plan will be made for early next week.
Until then check out some of my favorite websites:
Chronic Babe -great inspiration for all babes!
A Chronic Dose - this is by the author of the book that I am currently reading, Life Disrupted: Getting Real About Chronic Illness in Your Twenties and Thirties.
But You Don't Look Sick - great resources and a great community on the message boards for support.
