Thursday, June 14, 2012

An Update: health and insecurities

This is me today, feeling rough and crazy haired.
I haven't blogged in quite awhile and there are a lot of reasons for that.  This might be a long one, but I wanted to explain what's up.  The main reason is my health is pretty horrible right now.  With chronic illness one does never get "Better" but there are times of feeling well.  I can meet people for drinks or lunch, attend concerts and picnics, and have a general all over happiness.

Then there are dark times of complete utter helplessness when the illness takes over.  Getting out of bed is a task, showering is next to impossible, and forget about any kind of social activities.  This most recent bout of horribleness started around Thanksgiving.  I glutened myself at a Thanksgiving dinner with friends.  I knew it was a possibility but took the chance and ate anyway.  I barely made it home that night.  I struggled through Christmas, and started really paying attention to my diet in January.  I was nauseated and worn down.  I hated eating and I didn't have energy to do anything.  All of my Fibromyalgia symptoms were out in full force.

In March or April I FINALLY want to the doctor.  When she pushed down on my stomach I thought that pain was going to make me pass out.  The initial diagnosis was an ulcer caused by the amount of NSAIDs that I take for my chronic daily pain.  I took my medicines, avoided coffee and alcohol, only took pain meds when I really needed them, and crossed my fingers that I would get better.

That hasn't been the case and in fact I continue to feel worse.  I've lost at least 10 pounds, which I had the weight to lose, but it's still not good.  My skin is pale and there are dark circles under my eyes.  I have an esophagogastroduodenoscopy on July 3rd.

On top of all of this my headaches and neck pain were becoming unbearable.  So I finally bit the bullet and cut my dreadlocks off.  This was a really stressful time for me.  I miss them, and feel like I've lost part of my identity.  But my headaches are better.  My neck pain is something I will need to address when I fix whatever is wrong with my stomach.

So this is why I haven't been writing.  I have a lot to say, and it's frustrating.  But hoping things will turn around soon.

Another reason I've been pretty quiet lately is my insecurities.  When I think about blogging, I think about what others are doing and how I don't really fit into what is suppose to be a successful blog format (at least according to the "experts").  When what I have to say doesn't make a "good" blog post, I just toss it all together.  That won't be happening anymore.  If I want to tell or show you something I'm vowing that I am going to do it.  No matter how unorganized or how irregularly I post.  I've never done things the way they are suppose to be done, I'm not sure why I was trying to start now.

I hope you stick around to see what I have to offer.