Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Struggling

I'm struggling more than usual today. I've come to the point with dealing with my Fibro that I want to be up and around mentally way more than my body can handle physically. I can take outings and activities a few hours at a time, and usually if I do something that requires physical exertion one day, the next day is spent mostly in bed or the recliner. Such is today.

Yesterday was a fantastic day, leisurely, with some good reading and writing accomplished. I've come to realize if I'm going to make a go of writing professional I need to spend a lot more time working on my skills and putting it out there for people to critique and edit. My self esteem isn't quite there yet, but honestly I can't imagine doing anything else but writing and speaking for a career (when I finally am healthy enough.)

I have full intentions on going back to school in the spring so I have a trip planned up north on Thursday to drop off my paper work. I will have to do my financial aid stuff yet. Not that I need anymore debt, but at least it's going towards something.

Ryan and I will only be able to live off love and the kindness of friends and family for so much longer. For as much as I want to work and be productive, I could really use those disability benefits I applied for right about now.

Yesterday I did both mentally and physically stimulating exercise. I walked to Stauf's and spent several hours sipping coffee and working on the sidewalk in front of the shop. It was a beautiful day.

However, today I slept for 12 hours. Which means I did not get up till noon. And now I can barely move because of soreness. Both muscles and joints are screaming, I'll admit it's not the worst pain I've had to deal with over the last two years but it's not fun. The idea of sitting anywhere besides my bed or the recliner is nauseating, if I had to be sitting in a classroom or at an office desk right now I'd probably be on the floor. Often my body feels the effects of a hangover, without actually being induced by alcohol. Emotionally and mentally I am a wreck as well. I want so much to be active and out in the world. Or at least active with the daily tasks of living. So far, this has not been the case.

So here I am stuck in a rut. Perhaps by writing it however it will bring understand to those outside of chronic illness who struggle to understand what their loved ones and co-workers are going through. I am nothing if I am not honest about my feelings.

6 comments:

Yaseen P V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Yaseen P V said...

After every struggle comes peace.


P e a c e!


Yaseen

judyschoon said...

You are soooo strong and smart, you will deal with all of this...looking back 2 years, I feared you would not be able to get out of bed and breath normally. 1 year ago, I feared for you mental and emotional health. One by one you have dealt with and not given in to all these problems. You have researced the medical problems, have stood up to the doctors that were not kind to you and went forward to find the right help. With God's help, you will overcome every obsticle and become stronger. With the help of you family, church families and friends you will win the battle. Keep writing and don't forget the photography...that brings beauty into many lives. I love you Tine mom hugs

DebV said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. You DO have a gift of writing.
Instead of sitting in a classroom, check if they offer on-line classes. You can do those in your home. I've enjoyed being in touch with you thru Twitter. I would like to follow your blog. Check out mine when you have time. debsfibromyalgiablog.blogspot.com

DebV said...

I enjoyed reading your blog. You DO have a gift of writing.
Instead of sitting in a classroom, check if they offer on-line classes. You can do those in your home. I've enjoyed being in touch with you thru Twitter. I would like to follow your blog. Check out mine when you have time. debsfibromyalgiablog.blogspot.com

Yaseen P V said...

After every struggle comes peace.


P e a c e!


Yaseen