Vacation

I'm in Ithaca with my sister and her family. It's hot and humid, but it's nice to be away. Hope everyone is having a good August.

Identity

Awhile back I started writing my manifesto. The culmination of all I believe and aspire for. I've kind of stalled. This has to do with the fact that I'm not even sure who I am, or what I aspire to do. Most of my beliefs are pretty steadfast, I am pretty clear on how I feel about right and wrong and the gray areas in between. But I don't know how to synthesize this into words and into an identity that is myself.

Throughout high school and college, I identified myself by the people I spent my time with. They are great people who I enjoyed being around. I often accomplished great things with these people. But that is only one way of defining oneself, and I do not believe that this method works for me anymore.

For one thing, I spend a heck of a lot more time by myself these days as I try to become healthier. Also, I have also found that the people I spend my time with are vastly different from myself and from one another. As adults we all have different interests, desires, needs, and goals. My friends are not defined by my extra curricular activities, social clubs, and academic interests as they once were. And this is tripping me up a bit.

Because of the differences I see in my friends I am having a hard time seeing who I am. I highly value the relationships that I have, and every person brings something unique and different to the table. Now it is time for me to figure out what exactly I bring with me.

I have lot so hobbies and passions. I believe that my deepest desire is to explore the place where theology and ecology intersect. I'm still not exactly sure what that means in terms of a vocation and the actual practical part of living. This is where I need to work the most. To discover my own path, separate from anyone else, but contributing to the lives of those that I come in contact with.

That is what I have tried to do with this blog over the years. To bring all of my interests together and share them with you in some kind of cohesive form. I've been on the short side of posting lately and my interests have wandered and broadened quite a bit since I began writing. With that said, I hope to contribute more in the near future. I hope also, that you, my readers will contribute to the conversation.

Culinary Adventures: Fish Tacos

A few weeks ago I received the newest issue of Women's Health in the mail. This month they had a section of easy summer recipes. One that immediately jumped out at me was fish tacos. I've never eaten a whole lot of fish besides tuna sandwiches, but have started broadening my horizons and thought that it sounded like a very tasty recipe.

It was on my mind for several weeks until I finally got to Whole Foods to purchase some fish on Tuesday. Because of my limited knowledge on such things I asked the man behind the counter. He suggested a sole or halibut. Although the sole was slightly more pricey, I went for it because it looked appetizing. All in all, for the two of us it really didn't cost very much.

My foresight was a little short, so I did not have all the ingredients the recipe called for, but that has never really stopped me from trying my best. This is how it went.

I used olive oil, salt, pepper, and cumin to saute the fish. I bought a half a pound for the two of us (we could have eaten more.) I kept the heat high and stirred to break the fish up into pieces until it was opaque and looked done. (Because this was my first time cooking fish, I had no real idea what done was.)

We at the fish on corn tortillas with cabbages and sour cream. Ryan added tomatoes and hot sauce, and I will probably add the hot sauce in the future as well.

The recipe called for red onion and a squeeze of lime, which I believe will be a good addition. I also plan on adding more cumin next time as it could do with a little more kick.

The fish was tender and tasty, the cabbage gave the taco a nice crunch. My corn tortillas left a lot to be desired, I need to work on a more effective was to heat them up (the microwave does not cut it.)

All in all it was a good experiment and one that I can improve upon. Fast, easy, and tasty.

Progress

I continue to progress on getting better. I'm talking baby steps, but it's wonderful.

Yesterday I went shopping at Pier 1 and bought new curtains for our bedroom along with a real curtain rod, as opposed to the white spring loaded ones we have now. I feel pretty class and I will take a picture of them when they get hung.

I also had several appointments, went to the grocery store, made dinner, and did dishes. I was exhausted last night and today, but it was worth it. Did some more dishes today and hope to be more active tomorrow.

I took pictures of dinner and plan on blogging about it soon.

Distractions

Lately I've found it necessary to distract myself from my current situation in life. I'm not incredibly ill anymore like I have been. In fact I'm just well enough to want to a do a list of things that I'm not yet capable of doing. I still do not have the sufficient energy to attempt working, nor do I have the mental capabilities to consider going back to school.

Last week I thought I might be able to do both. I had the opportunity to work on a freelance writing job and I was very excited about it. But when it came time to complete the actual work, I couldn't accomplish anything. Partly this was personal, as I tend to be a procrastinator, but also the fatigue and headaches I've been dealing with on a daily basis really made it impossible.

I hate this. I want to be a productive human being. I'm smart, I'm moderately motivated (I'm not going to fool you if I said I was extremely motivated, you all know I'm some what of a slacker) and I enjoy being active and around people. It is extremely hard to not be able to do the things I love.

What makes it even more difficult is that to look at me I look EXTREMELY healthy. I've lost weight due to the change in my diet. My finger nails are growing wonderfully. I'm a delightful color (not as tan as I once enjoyed being, I've decided staying out of the sun is super healthy and I'd rather be pale). No one can see what my head feels like, constantly like it's going to implode, like a vice is gripping it from all angles. Or that my jaw is sore sore it's hard to chew, or swallow, or talk. No one sees the hours I spend in bed, because when I come in contact with others I'm out and about and trying to enjoy life as much as possible.

It's all so frustrating. But I have enjoyed my distractions. I enjoy watching tv and reading. I keep up to date on my favorite people, friends, tv shows. I love twitter. And occasionally I read the news. But it's mostly sad and I don't need any more negative feelings in my life. I have to keep myself in check however, I do not want to get so distracted that I lose focus on my goal of becoming healthy and active again. It's not easy and there is a balance to be made, and perhaps I'm still working on it. But I hope while I am, you enjoy my entertainment recommendations and observations on the world in general.