Friday, February 13, 2009

Disability

I'm in the process of appealing my denial of Social Security Disability.  I struggle every day with the fact that I even have to utter the word.  I feel some how inferior to everyone else.  I ask the questions: What if I really can do more than I am doing?  What if I'm just lazy?
I also fear judgment from other people, people who might see me as lazy or a slacker.

There are days when I consider calling my lawyer and canceling the whole thing.  And then there are days like today that remind me why I started the process in the first place.  This week was a pretty good week, I've been content with my level of activity, I've had some enjoyment in my life, but I've also struggled a little.  A good level of activity means I left the house three times this week, yeah not all that much to write home about, but I felt good.  My main struggle is fatigue, and I'm constantly trying new things to combat this.  Yesterday, I was absolutely exhausted.  I just couldn't shake it.  I got a fever in the early evening and just felt like I was starting to get sick.  I should have known what was coming then.  About 12:30 my entire body started to ache.  And then it started to send searing pain down my legs and arms when I moved.  My back has been sore for weeks and it's about 10 times as bad now.

This morning, when I woke up, I could barely stand.  It's hard for me to walk to the bathroom.  My apartment measures about 600 square feet in its entirety, so the bathroom is not that far away.  I fluffed my pillows, had Ryan scramble me some eggs for extra protein and settled in for a pain filled day.  Then, I was glad that I had filled out the medical releases for the lawyer last night.  Because right now, working, school, general responsibility in life is not an option.

There are days I hate myself for this.  I know I didn't do anything wrong.  But it just SUCKS, that's all I can really say.  I'm an active woman inside, and I just wish my outside could represent that.  Now I'm crying... well, I think I just needed to get that out.  To let you know of my struggles, both physically and mentally when it comes to living life.  

8 comments:

CIS said...

Shed the guilt. This is nothing you chose for yourself. You are doing the right thing.

Anonymous said...

Hi Tine, don't call off the process of SS Disability. Some day, maybe you won't need it but right now, you definately do. I am hoping when the sun shines for longer then 5 minutes, it will raise you spirit a little. And, love yourself, God loves you and your family and friends love you and Popeye too. xoxoxo hugs mom

Penny Reid said...

I have just looked through an "Arthritis Today" magazine Gramsy gave me to recycle. The magazine has numerous articles and letters telling of others like you, who are struggling with fibromyalgia. You need to follow through on this, for yourself and for many others who are in this struggle with you. Know that we are all behind you in spirit and in prayer. Hugs

Pastor Jim said...

Hi Chrissy:)

Listen to Mom:) She is right, and the road ahead is difficult. SS Disability was designed exactly for situations like yours, and anyone that knows you, understands what you are going through, and absolutly no one thinks that you are somehow lazy or wanting this for yourself. And, as for anyone else who might hold a different opinion, who cares what they think anyway, because they are self centered idiots:)

Hang in there my friend, you have a lot of people pulling for you!
Blessings
Jim

Renee said...

Be kind to yourself, and don't feel guilty ...easier said than done....but this is not your fault. You are doing the best you can...
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Renee said...

Be kind to yourself, and don't feel guilty ...easier said than done....but this is not your fault. You are doing the best you can...
You are in my thoughts and prayers.

AnnMarie Kneebone said...

You might like this blog. I think she is great.
http://bintalshamsa.blogspot.com/

Listening to your body honours God. Not abusing your body shows love for the beautiful creation that you are. Do what you can. Be angry and sad as you need to. And care for your body with great tenderness. There is hope and love and grace that you can tap into as well as the honest anger and frustration. All of it is important.
Namaste

Penny Reid said...

I have just looked through an "Arthritis Today" magazine Gramsy gave me to recycle. The magazine has numerous articles and letters telling of others like you, who are struggling with fibromyalgia. You need to follow through on this, for yourself and for many others who are in this struggle with you. Know that we are all behind you in spirit and in prayer. Hugs