I also fear judgment from other people, people who might see me as lazy or a slacker.
There are days when I consider calling my lawyer and canceling the whole thing. And then there are days like today that remind me why I started the process in the first place. This week was a pretty good week, I've been content with my level of activity, I've had some enjoyment in my life, but I've also struggled a little. A good level of activity means I left the house three times this week, yeah not all that much to write home about, but I felt good. My main struggle is fatigue, and I'm constantly trying new things to combat this. Yesterday, I was absolutely exhausted. I just couldn't shake it. I got a fever in the early evening and just felt like I was starting to get sick. I should have known what was coming then. About 12:30 my entire body started to ache. And then it started to send searing pain down my legs and arms when I moved. My back has been sore for weeks and it's about 10 times as bad now.
This morning, when I woke up, I could barely stand. It's hard for me to walk to the bathroom. My apartment measures about 600 square feet in its entirety, so the bathroom is not that far away. I fluffed my pillows, had Ryan scramble me some eggs for extra protein and settled in for a pain filled day. Then, I was glad that I had filled out the medical releases for the lawyer last night. Because right now, working, school, general responsibility in life is not an option.
There are days I hate myself for this. I know I didn't do anything wrong. But it just SUCKS, that's all I can really say. I'm an active woman inside, and I just wish my outside could represent that. Now I'm crying... well, I think I just needed to get that out. To let you know of my struggles, both physically and mentally when it comes to living life.
