Distractions

Lately I've found it necessary to distract myself from my current situation in life. I'm not incredibly ill anymore like I have been. In fact I'm just well enough to want to a do a list of things that I'm not yet capable of doing. I still do not have the sufficient energy to attempt working, nor do I have the mental capabilities to consider going back to school.

Last week I thought I might be able to do both. I had the opportunity to work on a freelance writing job and I was very excited about it. But when it came time to complete the actual work, I couldn't accomplish anything. Partly this was personal, as I tend to be a procrastinator, but also the fatigue and headaches I've been dealing with on a daily basis really made it impossible.

I hate this. I want to be a productive human being. I'm smart, I'm moderately motivated (I'm not going to fool you if I said I was extremely motivated, you all know I'm some what of a slacker) and I enjoy being active and around people. It is extremely hard to not be able to do the things I love.

What makes it even more difficult is that to look at me I look EXTREMELY healthy. I've lost weight due to the change in my diet. My finger nails are growing wonderfully. I'm a delightful color (not as tan as I once enjoyed being, I've decided staying out of the sun is super healthy and I'd rather be pale). No one can see what my head feels like, constantly like it's going to implode, like a vice is gripping it from all angles. Or that my jaw is sore sore it's hard to chew, or swallow, or talk. No one sees the hours I spend in bed, because when I come in contact with others I'm out and about and trying to enjoy life as much as possible.

It's all so frustrating. But I have enjoyed my distractions. I enjoy watching tv and reading. I keep up to date on my favorite people, friends, tv shows. I love twitter. And occasionally I read the news. But it's mostly sad and I don't need any more negative feelings in my life. I have to keep myself in check however, I do not want to get so distracted that I lose focus on my goal of becoming healthy and active again. It's not easy and there is a balance to be made, and perhaps I'm still working on it. But I hope while I am, you enjoy my entertainment recommendations and observations on the world in general.