Why Crochet?

As some of you may or may not know I began to crochet almost out of necessity.  In the fall of 2007 I became incredibly ill and spent some time in the hospital.  About a year prior to that my mother-in-law Nancy had taught me the basics of crocheting and I had made a few really misshapen dish cloths.

I picked my hook up again in 2007 to help with some charity projects a friend from church was putting together.  I almost immediately got pneumonia and pertussis, commonly known as whooping cough, spending a week in the hospital.  My stay in the hospital consisted of lots of coughing, lots of headaches, and lots of sleepless nights.  I couldn't read because of the headaches, and was by myself most of the time except for a few hours when Ryan was able to visit in the evenings.  So, being the dutiful husband he went to the craft store and bought me loads and loads of yarn.  During that week I crocheted about half a dozen hats and probably more afghan squares.  They weren't very attractive, and sometimes not completely symmetrical.  However, I pushed on.

It was estimated that it would take me about 6 months to recover fully from my illness and most of that was spent in bed not able to much else but crochet and watch TV.  By December I had crafted something for almost everyone in my family.  Hats and scarves were the gifts of Christmas 2007.

It quickly became apparent that it was going to take longer than 6 months to recovery from everything that ailed me.  Tests were run and doctors were visited and I got a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  These weren't necessarily new conditions, but in my weakened state after pneumonia, they were making me ill enough that my life could not go on business as usual.

So, I crocheted on.  And although I get healthier every year I still have not been able to return to school or work.  Birthdays, Christmas, and births of babies have been filled with wonderful hand made gifts since then.  I really find a lot of joy in it and I LOVE making something my own.

So why crochet?

• For me it pretty much just fell into my lap (teehee) and I ran with it.  But if you are thinking about learning to take up a craft, and thought about crocheting, I can tell you the effort and frustration at the beginning is worth the end product.  
• It's relatively inexpensive to begin, yarn starting for under three dollars and hooks not much more, although it can become extremely expensive when you like the feel of yarn as much as I do.
• You can do it anywhere.  Grab a ball a yarn and a hook and you can crochet on a bus, at the doctor's office, in the coffee shop.  My favorite place is in front of the TV.  I can't just sit and watch anymore, my hands are constantly going.
• You can make anything.  If you look at some of my recently posted pictures, you will see the variety of gifts I gave out this year.  No two a like. :) 
• Pure enjoyment.  Who doesn't like to have a bit of fun every now and then.  And for me, it's totally fun.  

If you are one of those people thinking about learning to crochet, please take my poll that you can find to the right of this post and let me know why it sounds appealing to you.  I'm hoping to teach some classes in 2011 and it would greatly help me know what kind of audience I should present to.
With love,
Woobie

Focus

I've had a hard time with focus lately.  Since school began it seems like I am on a track that just keeps going around in a circle.  I read, I write, I go to class, I start over.  This is part of what school is about, getting the work done in order to learn.  And I've enjoyed it.  But I've been wondering about the goal of the whole process.

That other part of going to school, the preparation for the future, the refining and defining of life ambitions, goals, and skills.  That's the part I enjoy the most.  Recently though, this part has been lacking.  I suppose after 2 years of struggling with just staying alive, my goals were altered slightly than what they might have been previously.

From the time I was about 16 or so my plans were to be a full time ordained minister in the United Methodist Church.  This may have been underlying and not something I talked about; at 17 and 18 I was really into broadcast journalism and wanted to become like Katie Couric, but it was there in some form or another.  There was a defined process to this goal: college, candidacy, seminary, etc, and I was following the steps the best I could despite distractions and doubts (other people's and mine).

My focus switched from that of ordained Elder to ordained Deacon sometime in the first year of seminary.  The workings of the UMC are complicated and almost too much to explain to what this switch meant technically.  But the non-technical reason for switching was that I did not see myself as a head pastor of a church ministering to all the needs of a congregation.  I should say: although I have the skills I am not that great of a leader, I can follow but prefer not to, and really where I see myself is as an individual doing my own thing.  Really where this left me isn't of much concern, in the Spring of 07 I decided that perhaps the call I was receiving may not be to ordained ministry at all.

This was a fairly emotional time in my life, the previous fall I had struggled through school, getting several illnesses that lasted for weeks.  In the spring I was doing an internship at a local farm and education center and loving it, but struggling with school work and farm work having neither being very successful.  While removing myself from the candidacy process was mostly an emotional decision, I thought it might allow me to explore my call a little wider than what I had until that point.  I loved the church, but I also loved the work I was doing outside the church.  What I wasn't sure of was how my education was fitting in to either.

With the Fall of 2007 bringing my health challenges completely and totally to the front, this decision seemed to have been the correct one.  The struggles of that time can be seen throughout this blog, but what it meant in context of this conversation is that I was answering to no one but myself and my doctors.  There was no outside educational (after I withdrew from classes) or vocational stress, it left me to make the right decisions for my body.

This has led me to where I am today.  Back at school to finish a degree.  I had already put a lot of work into a Master of Divinity/ Master of Arts in Christian Education and wasn't ready to give that fully up.  A Master in Theological Studies degree seems versatile to my interests and utilizes the credits I have already received.  However, I am now at a point of completing a mid program review and establishing some goals for the future.

After these last two years I can no even begin to establish vocational goals for myself.  Thinking about days that I can not even get out of bed, I'm not sure how I could hold down any job, not to mention one that brings significant meaning to my life.  I would love to obtain a PhD, which would mean even more school.  However, I am not sure what my academic record may say to someone who would be evaluating my ability to complete a PhD.

In the past I have not been a serious student.  School was a means to an end and I was trying to get to that end as quickly as possible.  However, now things are drastically different.  I in school because I desire to learn, stretch my mind, and think outside of what our world tells us to think.  I am not there to learn prescribed ideals or simple definitions as I felt like I once was.  On top of the physically challenges I am having with returning to school there are some seriously intellectual ones.

I now feel much more compelled to participate and ask the tough questions.  I want to excel to the best of my abilities, and I want to become whatever I was created to become.  I feel right now I am falling back into old habits, blindly completing assignments and sitting through the classes just to say that it's done and I was there.  These struggles are compounded by the emotions I have about the future.

The future, what is it?  I have no (if I was speaking to you face to face and not on a blog I would add an expletive) clue.  I want to be something great, a catalyst for change, or at least working off of someone else's catalyst for change.  I want to be known.  My personal insecurities tell me that no of this will happen, that I can't rise much above what I am doing now.  But I'm really getting to the point of frustration with myself, I want to say "screw you" it's going to happen and I'm going to be great.  These conflicts inside of me hurt so much and occur on a daily basis.

So, what am I going to do?  Where I am going?  I don't know, it's one of those things I feel the need to focus on, but I get so frustrated when I do I feel that it further hinders the process.  My life has become on big box of paradoxes and I'm not really sure how or if I will be able to climb out.

Identity

Awhile back I started writing my manifesto. The culmination of all I believe and aspire for. I've kind of stalled. This has to do with the fact that I'm not even sure who I am, or what I aspire to do. Most of my beliefs are pretty steadfast, I am pretty clear on how I feel about right and wrong and the gray areas in between. But I don't know how to synthesize this into words and into an identity that is myself.

Throughout high school and college, I identified myself by the people I spent my time with. They are great people who I enjoyed being around. I often accomplished great things with these people. But that is only one way of defining oneself, and I do not believe that this method works for me anymore.

For one thing, I spend a heck of a lot more time by myself these days as I try to become healthier. Also, I have also found that the people I spend my time with are vastly different from myself and from one another. As adults we all have different interests, desires, needs, and goals. My friends are not defined by my extra curricular activities, social clubs, and academic interests as they once were. And this is tripping me up a bit.

Because of the differences I see in my friends I am having a hard time seeing who I am. I highly value the relationships that I have, and every person brings something unique and different to the table. Now it is time for me to figure out what exactly I bring with me.

I have lot so hobbies and passions. I believe that my deepest desire is to explore the place where theology and ecology intersect. I'm still not exactly sure what that means in terms of a vocation and the actual practical part of living. This is where I need to work the most. To discover my own path, separate from anyone else, but contributing to the lives of those that I come in contact with.

That is what I have tried to do with this blog over the years. To bring all of my interests together and share them with you in some kind of cohesive form. I've been on the short side of posting lately and my interests have wandered and broadened quite a bit since I began writing. With that said, I hope to contribute more in the near future. I hope also, that you, my readers will contribute to the conversation.

Community

Part of the series "A Manifesto--of Sorts"

Scripture, the Bible, is a building block to my faith and my beliefs on how I should act in the world.  Being brought up in a caring and loving United Methodist Church I consider a few other aspects to inform my faith and beliefs, these aspects are experience, reason, and tradition.  This is not just the way I do theology, but how I assess and live my life.  But, I suppose when it comes down to the bottom line, the way I choose to live my life is theological.

I believe humans were created for community.  I’ve come to this conclusion, first by my experiences in the world.  Simply, I do not like to be alone.  There are times that I enjoy silence and quiet reflection by myself.  But when it boils down to living my day-to-day life, I prefer to share it with someone.  This someone is my husband the majority of the time, however, I enjoy and feel the need to include as many people as possible in the ordinary things.

Everyone loves to get together and celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions.  But most people do not get together to share the mundane; preparation of a weekday meal, the grocery shopping, laundry, and other chores of life.  People travel in the same direction to work everyday, and many chose to do that in a car by themselves.  Why do we not reach out to one another, and ask for each other’s presence in our lives?

A simple answer to this could be that a particular person is introverted, and does not feel the necessity to share their lives.  Or it could be that no one knows how to do this in a manner that is fluid and not awkward.  Sharing the ordinary is not an easy task.  Everyone has different ways of cooking, cleaning, shopping, driving, and simply living their lives.  They’ve never had to give reasons for why they do something a certain way, and may have never entertained the thought that there may be an easier, more efficient, or different way of doing things. 

In the Genesis 2 creation story we read, “Then the Lord God said ‘It is not right that man should be alone; I will make him a helper as his partner (Gen. 2:18).’”  In this very first instance we read in Scripture that God created humans to not be alone, for us to have helpers and partners in our daily lives.  From this first verse all the way through the Hebrew Bible and New Testament we encounter instances, when God, Jesus, or the Holy Spirit works in ways to bring humans together; God’s Covenant with the Israelites, Jesus gathering his disciples, and the structure of the early church.

Monasteries from very early church history are an example of people coming together to be in community.  Humans have come together throughout the history of the church.  I will admit that all of these communities did not turn out as planned or are not examples of what I wish to follow in my life.  The Shaker communities in 18^th century desired to live a Utopian lifestyle and had a law for every aspect of life thrived into the early 19^th century with as many as 6000 members and eventually declined during the American Civil War.  There can be many critiques made about the Shaker communities, but they are seen as one of the more successful Utopian societies in the 19^th century.

In the 1960s-1970s many communities formed around ideals of the counter culture and these were often referred to as communes.  These communes lived on the outskirts of society, and daily life was shared.  In most instances these communes were known for their drug use and promiscuity, and were not formed on Christian beliefs.  Usually because of disagreements or disillusions about communal life, these communes eventually dissolved and their members returned back to society; however a few still remain.

Today there are thriving communities formed around an array of beliefs and ideals, and are now more commonly known as Intentional Communities.  Some are Christian, some practice other religions, and some claim no religious affiliation.  It is these Christian communities that I am most interested in.  I want to learn about their successes, their failures, and their motivating factors of living in community.  Many of these communities are more traditional, but contemporary models of monasticism.  There is also a movement that has been called New Monasticism. This movement, like many, is hard to define or put edges around.

I am driven to community, to look for places in the ordinary to share with others.  I am not speaking of a Utopian society, but one where those who live within a community then go out into the world using their resources that they have formed to be the hands and feet of Christ.  It makes me nervous to say something like this in a public forum, although I’ve had plenty of conversations with people about this idea.  The truth is, I do not have much experience “out there” in the world.  I do not know how to minister to the poor and needy.  Most of all I fear failure in an attempt to form a community who lives and breathrs the life of Christ together.  Perhaps we all fear to fail and that is why we keep to ourselves.  Living our separate lives, while we struggle with being Christians in the 21^st century.  But if we truly want to live in the kingdom, I believe, we as Christians have to come together to work in the world.  I hope that you as my readers will explore this concept with me as we journey together.

You can read the introduction to this series here.

A Manifesto-- of sorts

Starting in October of 2007 my life and lifestyle began to change drastically.  I was proven not to be invincible, and I launched on a journey that has taken me through physical and mental illnesses.  I've survived hospital stays, countless pricks of needles, urinating in small plastic containers, being slid through medical machines that would produce pictures of something, and taken pill after pill after pill.  It is almost February of 2009, and if you would have asked me 18 months ago what I thought I'd be doing today, I could have not even fathomed the experiences of this particular time in my life.

That being said, I've decided to launch myself on a new journey.  One of written word and mental exercises.  I want to write a manifesto of sorts, to lay down my principles in which I plan to live by, and outline some major decisions that will affect my future.  I considered a memoir, but at 27 and even with my recent experiences, I think that looking ahead to my future is a much more enriching exercise than writing about the past.  I have no hopes for this process, other than to articulate my life beliefs, prod my mind for ideas, and entertain my readers.  Every story has a beginning and this is mine.

I surround myself with good people, food, music, and smells.  I have a deep faith in God, and a sense of responsibility to the earth.  I allow room for other's views in conversations.  Negativity is not an option.  I am amazed at the education that I have been able to receive, and know that I am not through with my educational endeavors.  I acknowledge education does not happen inside the classroom alone, but is present in every aspect of our lives.  Some of the wisest people I know have been educated in the simplest forms.

To understand anything about my beliefs and principles, it is probably advisable to know where I come from, for it is my younger years that I feel most formed by.  I grew up on several acres in rural Pennsylvania, and the hours I spent outdoors playing with nature molded my mind.  The church I attended nurtured me into a caring, loving, nonjudgmental person.  My family with two older sisters, allowed me to believe I could do and be anything that I wanted.  

Throughout this writing, I will elaborate on many of these aspects.  I may write hundreds of words about one idea, but perhaps only a simple sentence about another.  At the end I believe that I will have learned something about myself, as well as the world in which I live, and you the reader will be inspired to do an act of kindness for this world of ours that we all share together.

**I can not give specific details about how often installments of this piece will appear, so please be patient, it is a work in progress and perhaps will be edited even after it has been posted.  I will make references to changes of previous posts if any occur**